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Storm Tumbler [Finish]

Ecio38

By Ecio38
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Ecio38 Blank Flank

Ecio38

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Roleplay Type: World of Equestria RP?

Name: Storm Tumbler

Sex: Male

Age: Stallion

Species: Pegasus

Eye Color: Blue

Coat Color: White

Mane/Tail/Markings Color & Style: short mane, average length tail, black

Physique: well built, rather tall.

Cutie Mark: Sword pointing upward into a cloud

Origin: Stalliongrad

Occupation: Royal Guard

Motivation: To serve and protect the citizens of Equestria.

Likes: Card games, winter, coffee, reading, Order (opp. Chaos), adventure, comedy, seeing others happy, visiting his home in Stalliongrad.

Dislikes: Criminals/ bullies, (general "bad-guys")

Character Summary: Storm Tumbler grew up in Stalliongrad with his father. His mother passed away while Storm was still a young colt. Early on in his life, Storm assisted his father in the factory producing steel. He would take on minor responsibilities such as deliveries for the employees, helping to move or unload the raw materials, things of that nature. However, Storm resided in a rather "unfriendly" environment. Many of the other colts were somewhat hostile, and would antagonize other ponies for their own amusement. As time passed, Storm was on the verge of growing into a young stallion. However he was still sporting the 'blank-flank'. One day, on his way home from the factory, he came across a group of colts teasing a young filly. She was cornered in an alley, and let out a scream for help as she saw Storm passing by. As there were no guards around, or anypony else for that matter, Storm approached the group of colts. They looked up at Storm and told him to scram. Storm ordered the three colts to leave the filly alone. With the colts distracted, the young filly ran back behind cover, peeking out to watch what happens. The colt that appeared to be the group leader approached Storm said in a sarcastic tone, "Why don't you just turn and walk away buddy? This doesn't really concern you does it?"

To which Storm replies in an intimidating tone, "Either you leave on your own now, or I make you leave" Glaring the group leader in the eyes. When just then, two guards arrive in response to the filly's cry for help. Realizing they had no hope of winning this fight, the colts submitted. The group leader turned to the other two colts behind him.

"Whatever, we had enough fun here anyways. Come on guys..." As the three left the alley, one of the guards escorted them to their homes. The young filly jumped and hugged Storm for saving her, as the other guard approached the two of them.

"Are you two alright?" The guard inquired.

"Yes, thank you sir." Storm sighed in relief.

"What you did there was brave son, we could use more colts like you in the Royal Guard. Maybe one day when your older you could join up."

"Really? I've never thought about that. Sounds pretty cool though!" Storm said excitedly.

"Haha, well I'm sure you have quite some time to think about it son." Said the guard chuckling, "Now how about we get this filly home now?" The guard lead the filly out of the alleyway, storm began to follow behind. It was at this moment, that Storm received his cutie mark.

Before he knew it, Storm grew into a young stallion. His father still had him working the factory with him, it wasn't long before Storm told his father that he's ready to enlist into the Royal Guard. Storm wasted no time going to the recruiter. He signed all the papers checked out on all the physicals. The recruiter informed Storm that his training begins tomorrow. Storm spent the whole night packing, his father attempted to help but became tired as he was growing old. There was little sleep that night for Storm, he was anxious to head off on the adventure of his life. Morning came, and with only a few hours of sleep, Storm attempted to make some coffee for himself, which ended up on the counter rather than in the cup. His father took over, chuckling at the sight, and told Storm to sit and eat. Storm shoveled down his breakfast, and the coffee his father had prepared, and proceeded to run up to his room to grab his things. He hugged his father goodbye, and made his way to the base to begin his training.

(skipping ahead) Storm had graduated from his training. Becoming a full fledged soldier of the Royal Guard. The guard captain commended Storm for his fighting spirit throughout the course of training. Pushing through seemingly impossible odds, and coming out on top. Making his fellow soldier's his top priority, and assisting them when ever and where ever they needed him. For his bravery, the guard captain informed Storm that he has earned the honor of being stationed in Canterlot Castle. Storm thanked the captain for the honor and saluted him. He prepared his things, and returned home to inform his father of his success. His father was proud of him, and even had some of his friends at the factory help throw together a fair-well party. The following day, Storm and his father sat at the train station. The train was scheduled to arrive within the minute. Storm's father looked to him, "You know I'm gonna miss you son."

"Of course pop, I'll miss you to" Storm replied.

"Promise you'll write to us all back here?" His father asked.

"Promise." Storm said with a smile. His father wrapped a hoof around Storm as he did the same. Just then the train began to pull into the station. Storm boarded the train, waving to his father as his father waved back. They watched each other as the train began to leave the station, heading to Canterlot Castle.

Upon arrival in Canterlot Castle, Storm quickly became acquainted with his bunk mates and fellow guardsponies. On their leisure time, Storm and some of his bunk mates would hang out and play some cards to pass the time, occasionally exchanging stories from their time back in training. Storm always providing the laughs in the group with his outrageous stories. When his bunk mates were out on patrol with Storm stuck inside, he had a couple books of the romantic genre, hidden away where he though the other's wouldn't find them. Storm also enjoyed exploring parts of the castle on and off duty. As well as the Canterlot gardens. With all that Storm kept himself busy with however, he did take at least one day a week to write to his father back in Stalliongrad and tell him how things are going.

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RarityDash Alicorn

RarityDash

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I think you're going to have to change the character's name. There is already a pegasus in FIM with the canon name Cloudchaser, and she is already being RPed (by me ;)).

I wish you well in finishing the app. :)

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Ecio38 Blank Flank

Ecio38

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Lol, spent like 3 hours trying to come up with that name... I'm sure I'll come up with something before too long here... and thanks.

Aside from the name however, how's the rest of it looking?

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RarityDash Alicorn

RarityDash

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It looks like a good start. Can't see anything you've done wrong. You'll definitely want to flesh out and expand the character summary before you mark it as final though. :)

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RarityDash Alicorn

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Okay, now that it's marked final, I'll give my full critique of what I see. :)

For his motivation you say he's motivated to "become a Royal Guard". This is a fine motivation, but the rest of the app makes it pretty clear that he's already a member of the Royal Guard. You should probably change this so it reflects him already being a guardspony.

I'm kind of hesitant about the mention of Shining Armor. Do you mean to say he serves directly under him? if so, that might be a problem as we have a rule against characters having connections to cast characters beyond simply knowing who they are or admiring them if they're somepony famous or well known. Either way, it's kind of an uncertain area, and you might consider leaving it out.

Other than that, there are still places you could expand the app. you don't say much about Storm's early life. Who were his parents? What was his family situation like? Also, why did he go to Canterlot? Staliongrad has guards too. I guess if he really wanted to serve close to Celestia, or be at the castle itself, I can sort of see it, but if that's the reason, it should be explained better, as he could serve Equestria and her citizens well enough home in Stalliongrad. Since this is a Royal Guard app, I'd suggest maybe reading our board lore for the Royal Equestrian Army (of which the Royal Guard is a part) and the included sections about Stalliongrad's Stallian Guard; you don't have to necessarily adhere exactly to this, but at the very least, it just might inspire you.

Furthermore, there is no included cutie mark story. Every app must include the story of the events which lead to the pony acquiring his or her cutie mark, since the show makes it abundantly clear that this a very, very important event in the life of everypony.

Beyond that, the app tells me almost nothing about Storm's personality aside from him having overcome tough training to get where he is. What is he like? What does he enjoy? Any hobbies? More importantly, what are his personality flaws? We prefer well rounded characters here, so it's important your characters has at least a few believable faults or fears. Just tell us a little about Storm as a pony. We don't expect you to answer every possible question, but we do want to get a good sense of who the character is.

Hope that helps! I hope to see this app approved soon; my first pony here was also a guard, so I like to see people app guardsponies. Good luck! :)

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Ecio38 Blank Flank

Ecio38

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Made some slight modifications just now...

-on a side note-

I'm not entirely familiar with all the fan fiction/ lore outside of the MLP:FIM series, so I've got a feeling I'm going to be spending a good amount of time reading up on some of these things. lol

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RarityDash Alicorn

RarityDash

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It's certainly better, but there are a couple problems I still do see.

For starters, the cutie mark story. In my view, Equestria isn't a completely perfect place devoid of any and all strife; that said, ponies as a whole are not a cruel, spiteful and outwardly violent race. The idea of a gang (presumably of adults) harassing a female child (and the implications that go along with such a thing), and then proceeding to "violently beat" a teen are far beyond what I think should be allowed. The idea of him stepping into protect somepony weaker then himself is a fine and indeed noble one suitable for a guard; I just think it could be conveyed with less violent events having transpired.

Next, well in general I like his story and think it's fine, I could still stand to see a paragraph or two that more directly discusses his personality, strengths and flaws. From the story, we can pick up that he's brave, determined and quick to protect those in need, however that's about where it stops. Currently, the optional likes section tells me more about who he is in a social sense than the character summary. Considering most RPs in the World of Equestria section are of a social nature, this is one of the most crucial parts of the app. Knowing what the character has been through is important, but it's also important we know who he is.

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