Plume [READY]

[Guusagi]

Roleplay Type: W​orld of Equestria (and possibly the other types)

Name: Plume

Sex: female

Age: mare

Species: earth pony

Eye colour: teal green

Coat: light gray

Mane/Tail: medium-length hair, with a fringe and two long streaks of hair on each side. Light green, with paler green highlights. Her tail is long and wavy with the same colours.

Physique: slightly smaller than a mare, has 3 dark freckles on each side of her face. She also wears black rimmed glasses.

Residence: Ponyville

Occupation: writer, foal-sitter

Cutie Mark:

Her cutie mark is a feathered pen, writing in an open book with a black-coloured cover. Plume has never known what she wanted to do or what her special talent was for a long time, her parents were worried about her, she really seemed to not have any passions or aspirations. They knew however, that something would help her gain her cutie mark, and that she needed time. Plume always wanted to take action on her own, and rarely let her parents take decisions for her. She one day stumbled upon an empty book when she was going back home from school, and felt drawn to taking it with her. Looking around her, Plume had quickly taken the book in her mouth and galloped back home. From then on, she didn't know what to do with her totally-not-kind-of-stolen book. She would flip threw its blank pages, with a very concentrated gaze. Then her eyes widened, a tiny glint in her pupils, as if she has found the perfect answer; it was made for her to write a story inside of it! Plume decided to ask her parents for help, since she decided that an adult's opinion would be more plausible than just her own. Her father had found the idea to give her his old typewriter, which she has quickly learned to use. After many weeks of writing, she had finally completed her story.

Ponyville was organizing a writing contest for young fillies and colts at that time, and her mother had decided to sign her daughter up. Plume hadn't won the contest, but after she recieved her 3rd place reward, she was gleaming with joy and self satisfaction, and with a little spark of light, her cutie mark had appeared on her little flank.

History:

Her mother Lemon Drop and father Paper Splash were both journalists, working at Manehatten at the local newspaper company. They have moved to Ponyville when Lemon was pregnant with Plume, when they decided their daughter deserved a much more tranquil lifestyle than back in busy Manehatten. She was a small, fragile filly, with little confidence and courage to stand up for herself and/or others. She was lucky to have been in a nice small town, with a class of a dozen other colts and fillies. Plume was never one to come up to a filly and try to befriend her. Over her school years, she had made many friends in her class, as she loved being surrounded by them even if she preferred her own company most of the time. Most noticeably, her filly friends Pitter Patter, Cinnamon Twist and Flower Swirl are still her friends even today. Usually they would hang out at the park or in a shop eating away all the sweets they could. She had received her cutie mark after all of her friends, when she had joined the young colts and fillies writing contest and discovered her passion for writing. After getting her cutie mark, she had told her friends the moment she could gather them around her.

Years had past and Plume was old enough to live on her own. Her parents wanted to return to Manehatten since they missed their busy lives and decided to continue working and living there, sending occasional letters to the daughter they were so proud of. Without her parents to pay for all of her personal needs, Plume had decided to find a job to earn more bits, since writing alone didn't give her much profit for her to live comfortably. She felt she already knew what to do, since she stilled had her foalish spirit... She would try out foal-sitting! Plume, however, didn't know many ponies who actually had foals of their own, so she decided to make flyers and hand(hoof?) them out to passing residents around town. After a while, she did get a demand for foal-sitting at last! It was a pink-coloured mare with a white, short mane, she seemed to have had errands to do for the day and taking her little foal would be too much work. Plume had promised to take the foal back to his mother's house by sundown. The mother gave her a bag with all foal necessities, a paper with her address and her little white male foal with a white mane and strawberry fur, darker than his mother's, in a foal carrier. Her mother introduced herself as Sweet Shake, and her foal was Whitestreak. Strapping the carrier to her side, Plume decided the best place to go would be her home. Immediately when his mother left, he had started crying. She didn't know what to do, so she simply took Whitestreak in her hooves and lulled him to sleep. Calmed by her gentle voice and soft rocking movements, he had quickly gone to sleep...

The whole day passed by in a flash, Whitestreak had done quite the mess back at Plume's house and the time to bring the foal back to his mother was closing in. She would clean up later, she packed his stuff back into the bag, strapped him to her side in his foal carrier, and quickly left home. The young foal was giggling and wiggling his hooves around with amusement, as Plume almost galloped around Ponyville, trying to find her client's address. The sun had set, and Plume was panting, trying to catch her breathe, as she knocked on Sweet Shake's door. Luckily, it was indeed her that opened the door with a big smile plastered on her face. She had given back Whitestreak to his mom, but he was sniffing sadly, shaking his hooves towards Plume. Her heart melted, she never knew taking care of this little foal for the day would make him like her that much. Sweet Shake had thanked Plume, saying she was the best coincidence she could have ever had. Plume's eyes shinned, as her mother had given her 100 bits for the day's job in a small pouch. She waved goodbye to the little foal, nodding to herself as she went back home, that she would indeed keep on doing this as a part time job in the future.

Today, she balances out her foal-sitting, writing and free time as much as she can, meeting her friends in their usual places, relaxing in town and forever searching for exciting stories to write about.

Character Summary:

Plume's talent is writing books, mostly fiction, for ponies of all ages. She usually writes her story and edits them on her own, and works with her publisher so her books could be sold beyond Ponyville. Plume has a knack for finding the right stories and writing them beautifully. Plume loves reading, eating, drinking coffee and napping during her free time. She also loves cats and is saving money to adopt one. However, she dislikes rainy days and being ignored and is usually seen trying to catch her friends' attention in a conversation. Her dream is to give joy to the hearts of young ponies with her many fictions and short stories, and dreams to find a special somepony to spend the rest of her life with.

Plume's hobbies include writing and singing occasionally. She doesn't have any special talent in singing, but enjoys doing so while writing new stories. She usually explores the town to get inspiration for her many unfinished novels. If not, she loves hanging out with her friends and doing almost anything possible together, they usually enjoy hanging out in the forests and relaxing under the sun. Plume is a mare with no worries in the world except if it concerns her book deadlines and weather she cleaned up the leftover carrot in the corner of her room.

Plume is always slightly awkward when meeting new acquaintances, but once she opens up, she OPENS UP, and can tell them almost anything with ease. She can, however, get too dedicated in her work, and neglect the things around her, such as she almost never cleans her house or forgets to brush her mane. Hence, she isn't good at cleaning or other daily tasks like cooking, as she always eats in a restaurant or takes home sandwiches and any other easy foods. Plume has never been a good athlete, she easily loses her breathe and can barely run a few meters without dropping to the ground, gasping for air. She can also act cold, ignorant or rash when she lacks sleep from writing or reading all night. Since she was a little filly, Plume was always terrified of snakes. She seems to not like any other reptile at that matter, as she claims that touching their scales would poison or cut her hooves.She can also have mini panic attacks when she has writer's blocks.



Extras: 
I have never done an actually MLP roleplay before, so I might make a few mistakes about the pony universe, please feel free to correct me on anything! ^^

EDIT [01/17/14]: I have corrected the mistakes and reformatted Plume's history and character summary as required, if there are any more things I could have missed, of course I'd appreciate corrections and tips. ^^

[Guusagi]

Umm, did I do something wrong? xD or no one cares about my OC... or this place takes its time? lolol

[starswirlthebearded]

Umm, did I do something wrong? xD or no one cares about my OC... or this place takes its time? lolol

We typically review from the bottom up, so please be patient. Be assured we will review your app soon

[starswirlthebearded]

So as promised. I'll review your app.

Overall this is a great start to your character! There are a few things that need to be changed/improved upon.

The first is probably the biggest [and also easiest] to fix. You need to remove the reference to Carousel Boutique. That is Rarity's place of residence and work and is thus a reference to her character. As we do not allow references to cast characters you need to remove that.

This isn't really a huge deal but should be addressed. Ponies have been shown to use their mouths to write with quills and ink. Naturally if you still want to use a typewriter you can, but I'd address that inconsistency, as even a filly would be aware of how to hold a pen and write without magic (Students take notes in Miss Cheerilee's class all the time after all).

The rest of my criticisms have more to do with the formatting and structure more than actual content (almost, but that's more for the end)

So, it is awesome that you used Rarity's application guide, however it is just that, a guide! We don't really expect users to just copy and paste the questions and create the app that way. They are more to serve as a basis of what we look for.

Basically what I'm asking is for you to take that information and arrange it, without the questions, into prose format. Try to make it almost more story like. For instance, your residence and place of birth are different, so saying that the current residence is Ponyville in the first question and saying they were born in Manehattan in the second can get a bit confusing. If you made that into a story it would flow far better and give us an idea of your writing style.

You can also remove irrelevant info (which is why the questions are merely a guide) You don't need to state that Plume doesn't have any other relatives. Had you written more in prose style that probably would never have came up.

The next thing is removing the colour from your app. This isn't entirely your fault as it is from copying and pasting the questions from the app form, but the app should be all black text and left aligned.

The last two things are expanding and proofreading.

Your character summary is actually very good. However your history could use some more info in some places. Like how did she get involved in foal sitting? Did she start as an older filly and keep doing it? Perhaps she even acts as a nanny at times. Speaking of early fillyhood surely more happened than she just wrote... What about her friends? What else did she do for fun? Did she share her work with her friends? Did they influence her? Go into a bit of detail. Surely your character just didn't grow up in a box writing all the time! Don't be afraid to be detailed and give your character a rich history. The more you write the better we can get to know your character!

And the last thing is proofreading. I didn't see any spelling errors, but some sentences seemed odd grammatically. Especially this sentence:

Plume has never known what she wanted to do or what her special talent was for a long time, her parents were worried about her, she really seemed to not have any passions or aspirations.

Just go through it and make sure everything is clear and readable. And of course if you have any questions or concerns please feel free to comment here.

[Guusagi]

So as promised. I'll review your app.

Overall this is a great start to your character! There are a few things that need to be changed/improved upon.

The first is probably the biggest [and also easiest] to fix. You need to remove the reference to Carousel Boutique. That is Rarity's place of residence and work and is thus a reference to her character. As we do not allow references to cast characters you need to remove that.

This isn't really a huge deal but should be addressed. Ponies have been shown to use their mouths to write with quills and ink. Naturally if you still want to use a typewriter you can, but I'd address that inconsistency, as even a filly would be aware of how to hold a pen and write without magic (Students take notes in Miss Cheerilee's class all the time after all).

The rest of my criticisms have more to do with the formatting and structure more than actual content (almost, but that's more for the end)

So, it is awesome that you used Rarity's application guide, however it is just that, a guide! We don't really expect users to just copy and paste the questions and create the app that way. They are more to serve as a basis of what we look for.

Basically what I'm asking is for you to take that information and arrange it, without the questions, into prose format. Try to make it almost more story like. For instance, your residence and place of birth are different, so saying that the current residence is Ponyville in the first question and saying they were born in Manehattan in the second can get a bit confusing. If you made that into a story it would flow far better and give us an idea of your writing style.

You can also remove irrelevant info (which is why the questions are merely a guide) You don't need to state that Plume doesn't have any other relatives. Had you written more in prose style that probably would never have came up.

The next thing is removing the colour from your app. This isn't entirely your fault as it is from copying and pasting the questions from the app form, but the app should be all black text and left aligned.

The last two things are expanding and proofreading.

Your character summary is actually very good. However your history could use some more info in some places. Like how did she get involved in foal sitting? Did she start as an older filly and keep doing it? Perhaps she even acts as a nanny at times. Speaking of early fillyhood surely more happened than she just wrote... What about her friends? What else did she do for fun? Did she share her work with her friends? Did they influence her? Go into a bit of detail. Surely your character just didn't grow up in a box writing all the time! Don't be afraid to be detailed and give your character a rich history. The more you write the better we can get to know your character!

And the last thing is proofreading. I didn't see any spelling errors, but some sentences seemed odd grammatically. Especially this sentence:

Just go through it and make sure everything is clear and readable. And of course if you have any questions or concerns please feel free to comment here.

thanks so much for such a detailed review, I shall get right to work! ^^

[ I did indeed, not do much proofreading since I already used up all of my energy before posting (haha!) ]

but also, for some reason do not see any colours in my app, if you could just tell me where they are I would appreciate it,for the 100th time, thank you.

[starswirlthebearded]

thanks so much for such a detailed review, I shall get right to work! ^^

[ I did indeed, not do much proofreading since I already used up all of my energy before posting (haha!) ]

but also, for some reason do not see any colours in my app, if you could just tell me where they are I would appreciate it,for the 100th time, thank you.

The colour is in the character summary section and continues into extras (which you really don't need ). It is a very dark purple, I think (to be exact hexcode #663366)

Here is a quote of the first question and subsequent BBCode:

[ i][ font=georgia, serif][ color=#663366]What are your character's talent? What manner of things does he or she excel at?

You are quite welcome too. And I'm glad to help. I look forward to seeing what you come up with

[Guusagi]

The colour is in the character summary section and continues into extras (which you really don't need ). It is a very dark purple, I think (to be exact hexcode #663366)

Here is a quote of the first question and subsequent BBCode:

You are quite welcome too. And I'm glad to help. I look forward to seeing what you come up with

I have finished correcting her history and character summary, I hope it is much better this way!

[starswirlthebearded]

This is much much much improved.

There are just a few small things left to address.

The first and foremost is that you still haven't removed the reference to Carousel Boutique. As I stated that is too closely a reference to Rarity, which we don't allow. (basically stating that makes it seem that she is Rarity's neighbor and would know Rarity)

The second is that you didn't address the continuity error that I pointed out with nonunicorns not being able to hold writing implements in your CM story.

As you can see in the spoilered picture, Apple Bloom an earth pony filly has no problem taking notes with a pencil while in Miss Cheerilee's class. And again, before unicorns develop their magical control over telekinesis, we can assume they write the same as earth ponies or pegasii. And we have seen Pinkie, Rainbow Dash and other nonunicorns write as well with no issues. Again, I have no issues with you wanting to use a typewriter, but using a typewriter because she is unable to hold a pen due to lack of magic is not a reason we are willing to allow since it goes against continuity with the show.

Third is one line in the character summary that I must have overlooked. That needs to be either changed or removed..

Ponies always are at ease around her, and she doesn't seem to be bitter, even to strangers or meaner ponies.

This is basically godmodding in your application. You cannot state how other ponies or characters will react to your character. You are imposing your will onto other players. Please change that.

And the last thing is very minor... Could you please separate your paragraphs with a space in between them? It just makes it easier to read.

But really, great work! Just fix those things and you'll be well on your way to being stamped

[Guusagi]

This is much much much improved.

There are just a few small things left to address.

The first and foremost is that you still haven't removed the reference to Carousel Boutique. As I stated that is too closely a reference to Rarity, which we don't allow. (basically stating that makes it seem that she is Rarity's neighbor and would know Rarity)

The second is that you didn't address the continuity error that I pointed out with nonunicorns not being able to hold writing implements in your CM story.

As you can see in the spoilered picture, Apple Bloom an earth pony filly has no problem taking notes with a pencil while in Miss Cheerilee's class. And again, before unicorns develop their magical control over telekinesis, we can assume they write the same as earth ponies or pegasii. And we have seen Pinkie, Rainbow Dash and other nonunicorns write as well with no issues. Again, I have no issues with you wanting to use a typewriter, but using a typewriter because she is unable to hold a pen due to lack of magic is not a reason we are willing to allow since it goes against continuity with the show.

Third is one line in the character summary that I must have overlooked. That needs to be either changed or removed..

This is basically godmodding in your application. You cannot state how other ponies or characters will react to your character. You are imposing your will onto other players. Please change that.

And the last thing is very minor... Could you please separate your paragraphs with a space in between them? It just makes it easier to read.

But really, great work! Just fix those things and you'll be well on your way to being stamped

aah omg, I totally forgot to check that, so sorry (I had simply pasted the history and summaries from my word document so i overlooked it).... fixed! XD

[Bellosh]