Golden Nimbus [Ready]

[Nimbus92]

Name: "Golden" Nimbus

Gender: Male

Age: Stallion

Species: Pegasus

Eye color: Silver

Character color: Light Blue coat

Mane/Tail/Other: His mane length is just above his shoulders at most times, but he does cut it short from time to time and combs it back when he goes out somewhere formal. His original mane style is mainly just however it looks when he gets out of bed with a bit of added mane styling grease

Cutie.Mark: Silver Shield with a golden heart in thr center surrounded by a flying cloud.

Nimbus got his cutie mark after saving his friend from a terrible fate in the everfree forest one day. They had crossed paths with an unidentifiable creature and desperately tried to escape. Nimbus got away quite quickly but his friend got caught by the creature when she was just a few inches shy

From reaching safety.

Determined to save his friend, Nimbus flew back down and pursued the monster and released his friend from it's grasp. Nimbus received a few injuries but got away when his friend taunted the monster away from Nimbus.

The two both got away safely. Braving the monster to protect his friend, Nimbus earned his cutie mark and personally swore to be a vigilante aerial protector.

Residence: None since Nimbus travels too often to really claim any residence anywhere permanently. He does rent quite often for extended stays and gets hotels when he needs to rest.

Physique: Average height for a stallion pegasus, but his shoulders are quite broad due to his courier career as well as him having powerful legs in the front and back, along with a large chest. While he may have a pretty athlete build, he is a bit soft on the sides due to his poor diet.

Occupation: Personal/Private courier. Nimbus delivers all mail and packages for a fee in a much faster time than most Pegasus mail express. Along with this, he has a general rule: the client is,not obligated to reveal the contents. Due to this, Nimbus has run into quite some interesting characters. He will even fly to places outside Equestria, for a modest fee of course. Though not official, Nimbus also offers Sky Chariot rides for a fee as well along with sky wagon pulls.

Unique Traits: It will be quite uncommon for others to see Nimbus without his Wanderer coat. He will respectfully take it off indoors when at any sort of residence.

History: (This is mainly based off the fanfic I'm currently in the process of writing, but not entirely, for role playing's sake. This MAY be a bit dark.) (Reader: Oh great...)

Nimbus was born without parents. While technically nopony can really be born without parents, Nimbus doesn't know anything at all about his parents to even say they exist. He was found as a tiny colt on top of a nimbus cloud outside of an orphange in Cloudsdale, hence his name. While Nimbus may not be his offical name, it was the nickname the caretakers at the orphange gave him.

When Nimbus first attended flight school, he quickly made friends with a female Pegasus. He and the filly quickly became two of the fastest students in their class if not their entire school.

Nimbus earned his cutie mark when he saved his friend a terrible threat when they were both exploring the Everfree Forest for the supposed Zebra that may or may not have been there. From that time on, Nimbus grew closer than he ever could have with his friend while also becoming a bit of her personal protector as they got older.

After some time, Nimbus's friend's parents unoffically adopted him when he finally reached the age where his orphange could no longer take care of him. Though his friend's parents may not have been his, he treated them with the kindness and respect that he could never give to his.

Sadly, one night Nimbus and his friend had a terrible argument that lead Nimbus to leave for a few hours. On his way back home, he made a shortcut through downtown Cloudsdale to find out that his friend's dad had been murdered while trying to stop a mugger. Nimbus's unoffical father intentionally went out to look for Nimbus, and since then, Nimbus took responibility for his death.

To redeem himself, Nimbus went and chased after the mugger out of revenge. Nimbus's friend chased after Nimbus as well to stop him from making a decision he may later regret. Nimbus's friend ended up getting hurt by the mugger while trying to protect Nimbus.

Angry and blinded by rage, Nimbus broke the muggers wing, preventing him from falling as he pushed out a window. Without the support his wings should have given him, the mugger dropped through the clouds that held Cloudsdale and fell too far down below for Nimbus to see what fate the pony had met. The area was searched around to where the mugger was SUPPOSED to have landed but no body was found, and the confirmation of death couldn't be decided.

Scared of what fate he may be faced with, whether his act was justified or not, Nimbus ran from home and stayed away from his life long friend, making sure to keep his distance from her as he could no longer look her in the eye without felling guilty.

Character Summary/Personality: While still felling guilty for what happened to him in the past, Nimbus has come to accept it and is a generally happy pony. He can has and will be easily persuaded by attractive mares. While Nimbus may not go out of his way to start a conversation, he is quite social once somepony gets him talking.

Due to his heart complication, Nimbus does not race or try to sprint at full speed for very longer than needed.

Nimbus's heart complication is due to the fact that he has two of them. In theory to a doctor he once spoke to about the problem, Nimbus was supposed to be a twin while he mother was first pregnant with him but something unexplained happaned where instead of be a twin Nimbus shared his sibling's DNA while in the womb and obtained a second heart in the process.

Taking advantage of the two hearts took a bad turn in Nimbus's favor. One of the hearts got overly abused and grew drastically weaker than the other, making complications and forcing the other heart to exercise more work.

These days now, Nimbus mainly sticks to his private courier job and puts a lot of focus on it. When he's not working, he'll usually be at a Tavern/Bar or club. He'll drink, but not to get drunk. Mainly he drinks hard cider to get himself more social with others.

He has quite a few spots in Equestria that he found with amazing views he would like to share with somepony as well as giving a nice mare a ride on his back and give her a scenic flight.

_________________________

(Here's a reference to what he looks like, in case you wanna check it out:http://nimbus92.devi...haded-450436703 )

(Also, if any of you see anything that should be fixed now, feel free to tell me about it. I know there was a lot for me to cover about this character but this is why he is so unique to me. He's quite different than others in quite a few aspects. I'm not sure wether or not all of this will be acceptedly approved, but I AM open to change things around for everyone.

OHH. Also, if there's a problem with or how Nimbus's coat got it's leather, I'm happy to settle for it being any alternative heavy fabric. I just don't know too many to start naming any off. )

[DerpRavener]

Small Disclaimer: I am not an RP Helper, so what I say isn't any sort of official judgement but is rather just friendly criticism and advice.

First, you'll need to edit the title (you might need to have 3 posts total to edit) so that it includes either [ready] or [wip], to indicate whether or not the character is ready for judgement.

There are only two serious issues I have with the character at the moment: first, you can't make connections to cast characters, even if it were only implied, without consent of the player of the character. I think you could keep that element of the story, but you'll have to either talk to Rainbow's player or change the filly he became friends with to a different character, likely one of your own.

The other thing which raises a big red flag for me is that he is the seventh fastest flyer. If you want to make a character who focuses on developing their speed, and thus is generally fast, that should be fine, but making claims to be faster than all but six others seems like a bit much to me.

You're also missing a few categories: You need a 'physique', 'residence', and 'occupation' category, and while I can see you've included the cutie mark story in the history, which is good, you'll still need a section where his cutie mark and the special talent it corresponds to are described.

A couple more minor points:

-The statements in brackets in the history section seem unnecessary, and to me a little distracting

-His heart issue seems needlessly unusual, I might revise it to something like 'he overworked himself and suffered an injury for it', which should get the same approximate effect without needing anything outlandish.

-It says he's an adult, but nowhere does it really talk about his adult life, only things that happened to him when he was young. Where does he live? Does he have any current goals? What does he do on a daily basis? You don't need to answer all of these, but one or two of them should give a sense of he does day to day.

[Nimbus92]

To Derp Ravanger, dude, awesome, thanks fot the critique. I'm actually surprised you read all that.

The whole Rainbow Dash thing was just me spilling my ten cents about my fic shot in the dark but kinda cool I now know what to do. I'll try to find the RD Rper once i find out how >.>

The seventh fastest was a shot in the dark too and just kinda fun. I'll just take it out.

Umm the heart thing, since you said it was minor I might just leave it open for my opinions.

Adult life, hobbies,etc. Cool. I'll work on those now. Thank you so much, dude!

[DerpRavener]

No problem. I like helping out, and I'm finding this a good way to pass the time while I wait on the threads I'm in.

Current player of RD is FireFoxx, and it says so on the Cast list found here: http://www.canterlot.com/topic/14823-chronicles-rules-cast-villain-and-species-list-updated-5262014/ (Note that this is the CC list, WoE is separate and will have its own).

Personally I would go for a character of your own creation. It doesn't have to be a fully approved character if they only appear in the backstory. That would give you more control over the whole thing.

Again, I can't make official judgements, but to me: there's nothing wrong with making a racer or stunt flyer or somepony who's capable and fast in the air, that's just a facet of the character. '7th fastest in Equestria' on the other hand, implies that they are specifically faster than most other characters, which I feel would be more problematic if he's interacting with other characters who pride themselves on speed. Maybe it's a minor point, but I think it's worth noting.

It also makes it easier for race threads to be more interesting.

I suppose. It just seems like an unnecessarily strange way to go about it. I'm no doctor, but I expect having a second heart growing in one's chest would cause all kinds of problems. But maybe it's not that important, I'll leave that for someone else to decide.

[Mojo]

Hi there!

First of all, my thanks to DerpRavener for giving very spot-on advice on this app!

I agree with those observations, and I'd like to add a few more.

One minor nitpick, on the Age field, when talking in terms of pony characters, we like to see pony-like terms used, such as 'Stallion' (adult male) or 'Colt' (younger male).

There is also a lack of mention of a cutie mark for this character. If, as I am inferring reading this app, that this character is an adult aged stallion, he must have a cutie mark of some kind and a detailed cutie mark story to go with it.

The history section is very grimdark. There is a lot more leeway for this in CC, but I do believe actually killing a pony (self defense or not) is probably not acceptable.

One major thing that must be changed as well is the name. There is already a Pegasus OC named 'Nimbus' here in Canterlot.com. Since chars with the same names would be confusing, we need to ask you to change the name of this char. Could be just a simple 'Add-On' to the name such as 'Nimbus Cloudjumper' or 'Nimbus Cloud' (just a few examples, feel free to create your own variation if you like).

With these changes, I believe this char has great potential!

[Nimbus92]

Hi there!

First of all, my thanks to DerpRavener for giving very spot-on advice on this app!

I agree with those observations, and I'd like to add a few more.

One minor nitpick, on the Age field, when talking in terms of pony characters, we like to see pony-like terms used, such as 'Stallion' (adult male) or 'Colt' (younger male).

There is also a lack of mention of a cutie mark for this character. If, as I am inferring reading this app, that this character is an adult aged stallion, he must have a cutie mark of some kind and a detailed cutie mark story to go with it.

The history section is very grimdark. There is a lot more leeway for this in CC, but I do believe actually killing a pony (self defense or not) is probably not acceptable.

One major thing that must be changed as well is the name. There is already a Pegasus OC named 'Nimbus' here in Canterlot.com. Since chars with the same names would be confusing, we need to ask you to change the name of this char. Could be just a simple 'Add-On' to the name such as 'Nimbus Cloudjumper' or 'Nimbus Cloud' (just a few examples, feel free to create your own variation if you like).

With these changes, I believe this char has great potential!

Np, I'll work on these now.

[Nimbus92]

Okay, i just finished it again, and ready to get checked!

[Mojo]

This is better, I can see where you changed a number of things. You added "Golden" to the name, and that's fine. Could you edit the heading of this app so it will read 'Golden Nimbus (Ready)' please? When you do that, I will recommend this app to the Senior RPH's for further evaluation. The History of this char is still a bit dark, but in my opinion, it will be acceptable for CC.

[Armony]

Would you like to keep this application open? Please let us know soon.

[Nimbus92]

This is better, I can see where you changed a number of things. You added "Golden" to the name, and that's fine. Could you edit the heading of this app so it will read 'Golden Nimbus (Ready)' please? When you do that, I will recommend this app to the Senior RPH's for further evaluation. The History of this char is still a bit dark, but in my opinion, it will be acceptable for CC.

Hey! Awesome! I apologize for the late reply. I went out in the field for two weeks. No service. Yes. I stil want this up. I'm ready to get reviewed again.

[Mojo]

That's fine, glad your net service has been restored!

Recommending this app for further Senior RPH analysis!

[SteelEagle]

Hello. I am a SRPH and I am here to get this thing through. Only one thing is holding this up, but it is a doozy. Murder and killing is generally frowned upon, especially if it is supposed to take place in normal Equestrian society as opposed to the REA/etc. There is some leeway in CC, but as a general rule of thumb it is not allowed. In order for this to be approved, I would look a the fate of the mugger. Also, the last few small bits in your history section should be moved to character personality/summary as they do not describe his history. Once those issues are resolved, I can approve this app for play.

[Nimbus92]

I finally finished . I did as you said. To change the fate of mugger, I just made it to where his body was never found, so he was never confirmed dead. I know it's kinda cheating, but it was on the spot.

I also moved that small piece of informat like you told me too as well.

[SteelEagle]